The Early Bird Gets The Worm

Hello! Welcome to my second IamMisterMom.com blog.

I have had multiple requests that I share a Facebook blog post that I posted back on December 18th, 2015. It was a day I will not soon forget. And neither will they…

Personally, looking back at it now, I think this story is great on so many levels . The chances of this EVER happening again has gotta be ZERO. I would likely have a better chance of being killed by a vending machine before this magical alignment of the stars would ever happen again. Just like that billion dollar Powerball that everyone was excited about a while back. I will call Las Vegas for the official odds later.

I have added more of the details from that epic day in the middle of December, and exactly what was going through my mind. So even though many of you who seen that post from back in December, it will be a bit new for you.

Here goes…

December 15th, 2015,

“Daddy Daycare” started out with a bang this morning LIKE NONE OTHER!!

I will set the scene for you…

So there I was…in my bedroom getting dressed to go to my new unemployment “club” with the kids. The Ponoka Parent Link. It’s awesome actually – It is a free drop in place where mostly Moms and Grandmothers take their kids or grandkids to give them the opportunity to play and interact with other kids. While all that is happening, all the ladies seem to gather in their bean bag chairs for some adult conversation, drink their Tim Horton’s coffee, and seem to (from one of the very first conversations I overheard) bitch about ‘stupid’ shows their husbands are hi-jacking their T.V. for all night long – like Gold Rush… I LOVE THAT SHOW!!!) My wife has bitched about the exact same thing to me on many different occasions. Proof that the more things change, the more they stay the same!

More on the Ponoka Parent Link later… It’s been an experience all on its own that can easily fill a whole new blog…

Anyway, the kids were in the kitchen having their breakfast as usual, and Brock starts crying in his high chair, so I run out from my bedroom wearing nothing but a golf shirt to see what was the matter. He was out of his breakfast so I was loading him up with more stuff to eat. While trying to get him settled down, it happened… A knock at the door.

I looked back embarrassingly as my big fat ass is facing the door, and I wondered who was going to be having nightmares for the rest of their lives. I look back and I see an older lady literally looking in through the clear spots of my frosted front door window with her hands cupped around her eyes to block out the bright light outside so she could better see and verify if anyone is actually home while she is knocking.

I guess she didn’t believe in ringing the door-bell and taking a step or two back to wait for someone to answer it.

I had nowhere to run or hide. The way my house is set up, I had to walk straight towards the front door to get back to my bedroom – or anywhere for that matter to find some cover. Judging by the look of her, my spider senses started to tingle, and I had a pretty good idea of what group she was representing so early in the morning.

On a THURSDAY MORNING? Are you  SHITTING ME??

I thought that usually these folks just came to interrupt your Saturday or Sunday mornings, not on a Thursday, but hey, usually I am employed and would never be home to answer a door at this time anyway, so what do I know. I was just happy it wasn’t my mother-in-law or anybody else I knew!

As I was scrambling around not knowing what to do. I thought I could try to hide behind my kitchen island and wait them out until they leave, but thought screw it. You asked for it so your going to get it. I made an executive decision. I figured my shirt was long enough to hide my junk (insert small penis joke here) and I was already busted anyway cause she was peeking in, so I went ahead and opened the door a crack. I saw the Watchtower Magazines and her assistant (they were using the buddy system) down at the bottom of my entry steps holding more Watchtower Magazines and propaganda, which confirmed my original suspicions.

I thought to myself, you guys would need way more shit than what you are packing to begin to clear my path to the big white pearly gates…

I opened the door a little bit wider and she said “hello”, and asked if I had some time to talk about God today. I’m standing there thinking to myself Lady, do I look like I have time to talk to you about God today? Take a look around at the situation here! A very large man wearing nothing except a golf shirt just answered the door, there are Cheerios from one end of this house to the other, there is a 3 year old girl eating her cereal up on the kitchen island, and a 1 year old boy in a high chair screaming bloody murder for more food.

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In my opinion I have a pretty good sense of humour, so I just laughed to myself about what I perceived to be a complete lack of situational awareness on her part and about the whole situation that was happening in general. I couldn’t believe what was unfolding here.

I told her I was single parenting today and that I was definitely pretty busy at the moment trying to get the kids out the door and that God was going to have to wait to talk to me some other time. I thought they would have headed for the hills after seeing the situation and how I was dressed, but she hung in there like a real trooper and seemed to be really determined that I at least take their Watchtower Magazine, but I didn’t want to do that cause I was afraid they may come back if I did.

We conversed a little bit while she persisted that I take her magazine. I politely refused and I raised my hand up to gesture goodbye as to signal that the meeting was now officially over, and told them to have a Merry Christmas. When I did that, it was without remembering that my shirt got much shorter as I reached up to wave good-bye… Apparently she wasn’t the only one struggling with ‘situational awareness thas morning.

They finally turned around and began to leave. The older lady couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off her face. She obviously hadn’t rang to many door bells like mine. She seemed really nice though. Anyway, I closed the door and took a minute just standing in my entry way to take in and realize WTF just happened here.

I had a good chuckle to myself, and switched back into “Dad Mode” and I threw on some sweet looking Crocs (if there was ever such a thing) to go start my diesel truck that was sitting outside in the sub-zero temperatures in my driveway to warm it up. I was dressed the same way (I live in a secluded, fully treed yard in the country; and yes I know it’s cold outside).

I walked down my front steps wearing the same outfit but just with the added Crocs to compliment my golf shirt. As I walked past the end of my attached garage and turned the blind corner – there they still were… in my driveway, just sitting in their piece of shit mini van in all their glory studying their map I assume for where to find the next unsuspecting victims… all FOUR of them!!!

Now what? I thought fuck it, we are burning daylight here. You thought my shirt was short before? I proceeded to go to my truck, open the driver side door, bend over across my seat, put the keys in the ignition and start that loud bitch up… Hey Man! I got no time for this shit! I got to get them kids down to the Parent Link! They need interaction with other children damnit!

I gave them one last wave and a head nod as they sat there looking at me through the windows of their mini-van except this time a more concentrated effort on trying to keep my arm lower as to not let my shirt begin to ride too high in the front once again, and quickly walked back into the house like I was on a mission. I shouldn’t say ‘like’ I was on a mission, because I was absolutely on a mission.

I know for a fact they got way more to look at than they would ever have bargained or hoped for, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they are still in some form of counselling or therapy after that “Magic Justin” show. I would love to have been the fly on the wall of their mini van after that – or on second thought, probably not.

I’m sure they will never be back… I had no idea they started so goddamn early (no pun intended) on a Thursday morning of all days of the week!!!

In this particular case, the early bird really did get the worm!

Unbelievable…

*Update to Present Day*

Sooo they came back. What a persistent bunch! Well, one of them anyway. They sent a young dude this time, all by himself. Poor bastard.

He invited me to a “Free Party” as he put it. He was no doubt being sent to my house as some form of punishment or cruel rookie initiation ritual into the Thursday morning door-to-door Watchtower crusading.

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“Ummm, just one question young grasshopper… I am just wondering if there will be free Beer in Paradise?

Feel free to follow my Facebook page “I Am Mister Mom” and share your parenting adventures! A little sharing and support could go a long way to maybe putting a smile on a face or two in a time when many are not smiling and help some people realize they are not alone in this new reality our families are currently adjusting to.

I would love to keep hearing your comments (Good, Bad or Ugly) on how I am doing. I am not a writer, nor have I ever claimed to be. I am just an unemployed (hopefully not for much longer) oilfield dad looking for an outlet to share and document my experiences and thoughts on this whole stay at home parenting gig from a fathers prospective. Helps me to feel less isolated I guess. 

Thanks for reading!

Justin.

6 thoughts on “The Early Bird Gets The Worm”

  1. They bring their lovely paperwork to me regularly too. Thanks for this story, now every time I hear that doorbell ring on a weekday morning I will laugh to myself and think of the “Magic Justin” show…

  2. Hi Justin! Here’s a news flash…you ARE a writer and darn good at it! Glad you are sharing your experiences with us. And super glad you gave the JoHo’s an experience they’ll never forget! I laughed and laughed! Thanks 😊

  3. Hey FF! I laughed my pants off…. pardon the pun! You are a ray of sunshine to those of us still here at that place you used to work at ;>) AND you are a writer and a good one too. Keep up the good work… so happy for you doing this and being able to spend time with the little uns’ while they’re still little uns’.

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